Moments from Menopause

I was taking a shower a few months back and after I'd washed then conditioned my mid-back length hair, I was  ready to clean the tub when I noticed a small animal circling the drain. I think I screamed. I know I jumped because I dropped the shower cleaning bottle on the rodent - which is what I assumed it was. Only, after a moment I realized rodents aren't champagne blonde in color, are they?  No, they are more of a deep silvery gray. Petrified, I also realized it wasn't moving, so I did - into action. Armed with the spray solution bottle poised as a "gun" with the nozzle pointed at the inert mammal, I bent into the tub and gave it a shove with the bottle head. It didn't move, but it did sort of stick to the plastic nozzle. It was then I realized it wasn't a dead or drowned mouse, but a clump - a huge clump - of my own hair. An immediate flashback clouded my vision as I stood there, naked and dripping, leaning into the tub. About 12 years ago I'd co...

Remember when you were about 14 years old and whenever your parents looked at you you'd either: a. fall into a tear streaming crisis b. scream at them to leave you alone c. want to curl up into a ball and hide or, d. want to run away from home? If you do, then you know how it feels to be in the moodaltering era of menopause. Yesterday I went postal on a telemarketer. Instead of simply hanging up like I usually do, I actually cut the woman off mid-schpeal and started demanding to know how she got my number, who did she think she was calling me when she didn't even know me, and I ended by telling her to get a real job and leave innocent people alone. The woman was calling from the Susan Koman Center for Breast Cancer research. When I scraped myself off the floor after landing there when I hung up the phone, I dried my voluminous tears, took a deep breath and said a prayer for forgiveness, vowing if the foundation ever called me again I'd make a sizable donation. I...